So here we are, another year has come and gone. I know it’s an old cliché, but the years really do go faster as you get older. That’s not to say that they don’t stay just as interesting, and for me 2014 was a very interesting year. I don’t mind admitting that the beginning of the year was a whole lot different than the ending. Back in January, I just wasn’t having a good time of things. Some old habits that I thought I had gotten under control had come back to haunt me, and I suspect that was because some old symptoms that I thought had gone away had come back just prior to that. I was waking up in the middle of the night having nightmares again, and I was losing periods of time ranging anywhere from a few minutes to several hours at a pop. There may even have been a day or two gone missing in that time, but who’s to say, I just don’t remember.
As happened so often throughout my life, when the symptomology would act up, so would my tendency toward substance abuse, whether it be alcohol, or substances of a more chemical nature. Self-medicating was always my answer when I was in this condition, and though I never got the medical results that a professional would be seeking, I did get the immediate, albeit temporary, relief that I was looking for. PLEASE NOTE: This is in to way intended to be a recommendation, nor am I in any way condoning this kind of behaviour. This is what I did when I was in the very worst shape that I could ever be found in. These were not the actions of a rational human being, but an individual performing an incredible balancing act on a tight-wire that to my temporarily shattered perceptions, appeared only to have madness waiting for me on either side. It was a matter of maintaining my balance on that wire or perish, and to put it quite plainly, when I was high, I was the primo performer of the “Flying Wallendas”. Or at least that’s the way I saw it.
That is, usually. This year, however, around March or April, something different occurred. For whatever reason, and please don’t ask because I really can’t put my finger on anything specific, I had had enough of the same old roller coaster ride, the same old ups and downs, feeling better and then feeling like crap again, with nothing ever really changing. I didn’t even come to a conscious decision that I know of, I just knew that, from then on, I would be trying to deal with this thing in a manner far more honest than I had tried to up until that point. It’s not like I was lying to the doctors that were trying to help me, but I certainly wasn’t giving them all the information that they may have needed if they were really going to help me. After all, if there was anything that I brought with me from my childhood into my adult years it was certainly trust issues. As such, if you’re planning to get any information out of me, you certainly don’t have to worry about me telling you falsehoods, but you may want to bring a crow bar with you just in case.
So with a brand-new attitude in hand, and a med team who are now meeting a lot less resistance, the progress in my treatment has reached whole new levels. Add to that my decision a few months ago to start blogging, and the warm and encouraging welcome I’ve received here at WordPress, plus my decision to return to my efforts at writing my novel, and the end of the year is hardly recognizable when compared to the beginning. I’m happy to report that I’m clean and sober, and making it to all my appointments with my doctors and my counsellors, the nightmares have returned to an infrequent enough level that I can almost live with them, and I don’t appear to be losing any time that I’ve noticed. With this new dictation program that lbeth over at Nutsrock recommended (and which I’ve just used to dictate this entire post), I may not even have to cut back as much on my writing as I thought I was going to have to, and that’s a good thing.
So I guess like I said in the beginning of this post, there’s not really much similarity between the beginning of my year and the end, but I’ll take the ending over the beginning any time. Right now things are kinda busy and actually I prefer it that way, as I’ve always found that the busier I am, the less time I have to get myself into trouble. With less than six hours now until the beginning of the New Year here in Vancouver, I guess that means that everyone else except possibly Hawaii is already suffering from a hangover, the lack of which is something else I can be grateful for this year. I really hope 2015 is a wonderful year for everyone, and I hope a whole lot of this craziness that we’ve had in 2014 really is a thing of past and maybe the whole world can begin to settle down a little. Being a Christian I at least have prayer that I can turn to in times like this, and I’ll be making use of that form of communication a little later this evening as I put in my two cents worth with the Big Guy upstairs. Face it, we really can use all the help we can get. So everybody stay healthy, happy, and safe, and we’ll read you all next year.